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[Nov. 26th, 2008|08:17 pm] |
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Why do I still love you so much after all this time? I don't know how to feel anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should give up and find someone else but somehow you creep into my mind.I feel as though we will never be but I long for you when even when I am face with that possibility. I always find myself comparing you to everyone. I hate that and i want so much just to be your friend. But we can not be friends if deep down I am in love with you. Even when I enjoy moments of happiness with someone else I think of you. Every memory I have of you so hurts me. Yet at the same time I am afraid of forgetting those memories. I often wonder to myself if you really care about me. I know you do but do you care the way I do. |
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| Here I am again... |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|12:35 pm] |
What I say to describe how things are going at the moment? Truthfully, I really don't know and I feel as if though this is the source of of all my sorrows. The fact that I can't communicate to others how I really feel or at least idenify what makes me feel uneasy. Why I feel that everything is just so fucked up? For one I'm not doing too well in
school and I'm not making any money. I still have debt and I still haven't achieve my driver's license goal. to be more accurate I haven't done anything about that. In the family part of my life I feel disconnected and shamed. With my friendships I feel sometimes
disconnected and that there is stress in the friendships themselves. In the relationship department I have again choosen wrong again. Am I angry ? no not really... I mean I chose this for myself, so I made the mistake. Can't blame really blame him and hope that I feel better about how things went. I 've learned a few new things though that the only good that came out of this. well anyways I 'll just write more later for reason I can't seem to focus anymore. |
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| Fresh Start |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|02:47 pm] |
Ok, so here's the deal with my situation, I've stray from my goals. I know that I've messed up a lot lately. I't ok though because sometime around yesterday and early this morning I've decided that I'm over it. Yes, my wounds still hurt and I feel like I'm behind academically. HOwever, there is no use in moping. I just got to go to the next page and try to focus on the good stuff. I still miss u know who and sometimes I comtemplate whether I could ever be with him. Then it all hits me, he's not the right one and he's not the last one. I can only look at the good memories and cherish that. I've been living in pain cause I keep trying to relive memories. In truth, we hold on to things because whatever happened felt good at the time. In reality however u can't relive things. What's in the past is in the past and trying to get similar experiences usually lead up to disappointment. So why try to get something to replace the old when u can get something entirely new. I 'm not gonna force myself to forget everything, I'm just gonna stop trying to relive memories of a certain someone. I 'll kiss you goodbye my Soldier.
Here's my plan to start fresh...(1) I'm gonna Fix my smc school schedule (2) I'm gonna enroll at the skill center (3)I'm gonna go to the DMV b4 my permit expires (4)I'm gonna finish my beauty school hours
(5)I'm gonna find time just for my family (6) I'm gonna find time to do volunteer work (7)Save Money (8)
I'm gonna paid off debts (9) I'm gonna paid for the Fees of my CT (10)I'm gonna start going to the gym (11)I'm gonna eat healthier (12)I'm gonna dedicate myself to making money a little bit more (13)I'm gonna shop a little bit less (14) I'm gonna go on dates just for fun, not for emotional fullfillment (15)I'm get my A's (16) I'm gonna find time somewhere in there to take up a hobby class of some sort (17)I'm gonna reorganize the way I do things at home (18)I'm gonna replace this cellphone (19)I'm take time and so something for myself everyday (20)I'm gonna try to cherish those I love so much in a different way everyday. (21) I'm gonna have fun b4 my B-day, on my B-day and after my B-day. U better believe that!!! |
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| Why I can't Just stop thingking about it... |
[Sep. 10th, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Don't Cha by Pussycat Dolls | ] |
I know he lied to me about many things but for some reason I'm not moving on as fast as I would like.
It's true it only a minute to like someone and one day to fall in love and a lifetime to forget love. I know that later this situation wouldn't bother me so much. What can I say I'm a girl that stays guarded I'm afraid to fall in love and I've always scared of being hurt. I decided that I would be more open and honest about my emotions. Then all this happens all at once. Now my mind is a mess, cause I can no longer tell the difference between real and fake. I keep going back into my memories and try to sort the real and the fake. I want to cry but my eyes won't cooperate. I want to run away somewhere that me makes me feel safe but there is no where safe to go. I want to believe that I can trust others but when I trust I get burned. Before Sam and Giovanni my method was to just avoid love. I figure that if I didn't want it, I couldn't get hurt. My greastest fear is to be disappointed. I wanted to be brave and admit that I am a hopeless romantic and that I want to be in love. Perhaps I am the more fearful of being disappointed, abandoned, forgotten that most people believe. I don't really know anymore. I keep wishing that this was all a dream or that it'll end with a happy ending.
This story is not a fairytale, it's a story about a girl with a broken heart. In the chick flicks there would be someone else to pick up the pieces. Or at else it would be a heartbreak that could be fix with a pint of ice cream and a sleep over at your best friend's house. Right now I'm not entirely vulnerable I'm just sad... I want to go somewhere and cry by myself. Why can't just start to hate... It would at least distract from these emotions I have. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|07:03 am] |
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I 'm very angry and and very lost at the same time. I wish I was still in FLorida. I wish I didn't have feel like this... I wish I could say what's wrong... I wish that things were different. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|10:53 pm] |
I am enjoying my vacation, I'm having lots of fun and i feel more relax. I wanted to stay longer. I don't want to leave on the 15th but I got to go back to work and make some money to pay the credit card bill. The balance is high because of the flight out here. Anyhow,I feel like a princess cuz Anthony took me out to get my hair and nails done. I've gone to the beauty salon 4 times. i can't believe I was able to keep nail polish on my fingers for a whole week. I
never get my hair styled in L.A. but I'm had my hair styled 4 times out here.
Aside from just going out, I feel like this was a journey of self discovery that I really appreciate. I feel more comfortable in my own skin now. Dispite the fact that I felt kind of self-concious when I first got here cuz everyone out here is beautful and fit. But now I really appreciate my face and I feel more beautiful. There are just flaws that I'm gonna have to deal with and they're not gonna disappear. I've learned to accept things. To let certain things go. But there are still things that i need to work on.I feel like a new girl and I'm looking forward to the future and appreciate the present.I am living a lot more healthy out here, I don't eat junk or anything with preservatives. I go jogging or walking around the park everyday.
Well, guess who's planning to back this winter... yea I want to go back here for winter and hopefully springbreak, too. heeheehee... I kinda got discovered out here, too... I'll explained later but yeah it's funny I don't get it. i got discovered back home and out here. But I don't see what they see. I'm
confident in myself but come on now...I don't look like Beyonce or Britey...
Anyhow it's flattering, but i'll only believe it if i get discovered in new York, too... well i wanted to go in the winter but I want to come back here too maybe I'll visit both cities. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|02:04 am] |
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i had so much fun in the last two days, even being pulled there was a little scare on one of those night. I'll talk abou that later. But here's what on my mind... Why can't I give a certain guy a chance? Is it so hard for me to just I know flow with things...Anyways I have to sleep now, cuz I have a final in psych. and I'm trying to let the alcohol wear off. I guess since I haven't drank in awhile, I feeling a little drowsy from it. |
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| Looking back..... |
[May. 18th, 2005|01:40 am] |
Wow, everything has changed in some weird ways or another. For some reasons the bad things won't change, it's always the good things. Well, it's not like I'm complaining cause it really there are good things that happen, too. i think I have a better idea of what I want. I just feel like there isn't enough time in this crazy world. If I have one free day then I end up trying to fit in 2o things in one day. Well let's divide things into sub categories- Goals,Health,Love,Wealth,Fun and Diva quotient lol....
Goals- Get my driver's license,I want to take 2 classes in the summer, 4-5 in the fall, I am getting my cosmetology license also because they are gonna take off 400 hours of the training because I know how to do nails,Get training in taxes and appraisals, Finish a few crdits, I want to go on vacation to Miami, I also want to go back to the gym, save a little money, try to get training in selling home loans, and plan out my 21st b-day, get certified in bartending after my b-day,start sending in my resume for internships,volunteering at Boys and Girls club.
Health- My eczema is getting better but I have to do something about the pigmentation. I need to also start to drink more water and take vitamins, and as stated above I need to go back to gym, start wearing a light sunscreen.
Love- well I need t o determine what I like but I am leaning in two different positions. I like the freedom and feeling of sexiness of being single but I miss the comfort and stability in a relationship. Well I kinda feel like I don't want to be married til I'm like 30 and then sometimes I just feel like I want to get marry within a year. Well here are a few things I've decided I want in a boyfriend: 1. He must be straight 2.He must be no more then 10 years older than me 3.He must be single 4.He must be at least 5'6 and taller 5. I preferr that he be in school or finish with school or well establish in his trade 6. He can't be a drugie, heavy drinker, obsessive gambler or a flighty womanizer. 7.He must be someone I would be friends with even if there where no romance. 8. I want humor in a man (goofiness,light sarcasm,ethusiasum) 9.intellgent ( this this part is subjective cause there are different forms of intelligence. 10. kind, considerate, understanding and generous 11.gives me respect 12.Gives people I love respect 13.Honest ( I don't expect perfection but some decency in this area is needed. 14. Someone dependable and very loyal 15. Someone who has confidence at least in moderate level. 16.Someone affectionate 17. Someone who has no trouble communicating ( this doesn't mean having to talk about everything, expression in other forms also.18.Someone who is not prejugdice, even more worldly than me. 19. Someone who is a gentleman 20. Someone who likes all sides of Laura or at least 90% 21.Someone who would protect me and comfort me 22.Someone who genuinely likes to be around me whether we do anything or not. 23. Someone is romantic and expressive and creative 24. Someone who will APPRECIATE ME 25. Someone who is patient 26.Someone who is adventurous 27. Someone who appreciates fine dining 28.Someone Cute or Handsome ( once again this is subjective, cuz it is based on my opinion)29. Someone who is fun to be with 30.Someone who can give me something no one else can( I am talking about that special unidenifyable feeling) 31. Someone who is sexual but can experience real intimacy 32.Someone who will give return my love 33. Someone who will take the initiative 34. Someone who appreciates art and fashion and music 35.Someone friendly and socially flexible 36 there's probably more but in the mean time this most important things and also if people think this asking for a lot, then they're wrong "good enough" is not what I want in a boyfriend. If they do not meet these requirements then there are considered mini boyfriends or simply prospects.
Wealth- I spend too much money
Fun- Hell yeah I have fun I don't remember what I mean by this but when I'm out I have a good time.
Diva quotient- Well the quotient must be high....lol... cuz I feel like working it...lol...just kidding...heeheehee I talk to Albert a little to much I'm starting to say Just kidding in everyday consverstions. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2005|10:28 pm] |
I just wish u would understand all the tears I've cried, and the hurt I tried so hard to conceal. Today I am at least proud of myself for getting up and taking care of my body. I actually slept a little last night cuz I know I had school today and I actually ate food today. I haven't eaten in the past few days. I just wasn't hungry. Today though I realized that I had to eat because I bearly sleep and the only thing I got out of bed for was water. Water was the only thing I replenish my body with. So I decided that whether I was hungry or not I had to eat. I was scared of what I doing to myself. I didn't sleep or eat at all but I just lied down in bed and I would just replay everything in my head. Just obsessing and drowning in everything that I lied for hours and lost track of time. I look up and realized I lied down from the morning til nightime just thinking. Apparently my cell phone went off and I didn't hear it at all. Now I'm just trying to organize my thoughts and resolve my issues. I feel like yet another thing has proven that love an illusion to me.
I don't want to be this way, but I'm so tired of being disappointed and hurt. If love is true and plentiful then please now is the time for it to show itself. For this world is far too large and cold at times. ANd I don't want to shut myself down anymore and I want to figure what do I want. I so used to what do u want that? That sometimes I hardly recognize my needs. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2005|11:59 pm] |
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I'm so tired, I should probably sleep but I feel awake. Ain't that about a bitch tired as hell but not able to fall asleep. I'm just so emotionally warped that I don't know what to do and how to feel. I'm tired of being nice and caring about other people first. Question is why can't I just worry about me first? Why Can't express my anger and pain right out. Sometimes I feel like I'm passsive aggressive. Why can't I show love for what it is, why is it hard for me to just be a girl? Why can't I just let my emotions show? Why can't I talk about everything I feel? Why can't I write everything down then? It just feels like I attempt to let things out and never can finish. It's like my brain shuts down when I attempt to tell people everything that is bothering me. I keep so much inside I don't even know what a mess I have done to do myself. I can't take it...Why can't I help the person who needs help the most? That person would be me. I can't take this anymore. I wish someone would tell me it's all over.My loneliness is right now is unbearable. |
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| I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do |
[May. 8th, 2005|04:29 am] |
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I haven't slept in 3 days literally, I probably napped a total of 2 hours a day. My world seems like it's falling apart, I'm so tired , tired in many ways. To the point where I can't sleep at all. So that's why I'm here, It only took a few hours to change one's life. I had so much to look forward towards. I was back in school doing well and I had plans to vacation in the summer. Now I don't have a home and and feeling torn , not knowing how to cope with this, one hand I want to be strong and take care of things and just go on. But it makes u wonder how does one move on if one is broken. Then on the other hand it just seems so easy to just give up, but that's not an acceptable choice, not for this society, not for this family not for me. I feel like I am a burden, I feel like I'm powerful, I feel like I should have done something, I feel like a little child to scared to cry out loud and to speak up. I feel like I can't breathe, like I can't it anymore. Don't they know in many ways the way I have always cope with thing is to shut down my emotions until I can't take it and it explodes. Then pretending that I'm ok with it, that I'll live even a part of me just died before you. Why? Why can't they hear it in my voice or see it in my eyes? If I'm really that good at fooling them then why can't I believe in what I sell them. I figured if u try to pretend that it's not that serious it wouldn't hurt so bad. Tell me what is sadder missing out on the last time you would probably have dinner with your family or watching your mother drive away to leave you here on Mother's Day, or realizing that U don't recognize the place ur in. THe place u once called home is no longer a home, it's just a house. The loss of a home is an undescribale feeling. It's no longer familiar to me. There is no joy left, this place once had roars of laughter and was a place of affection. Now it's just not mine. I am fustrated cuz I can't tell if it's empty or crowded. Crowded with anger, sadness, and pain. I 'm ashamed and I feel cowardly, that I had not done anything to save things. Why didn't I show affection when I had the chance? I always felt like if I showed too much I would feel things a little tooo intense. Don't you all know I need you. I love you all so much that I am afraid to admit it. I just don't know who I am anymore. I don't remember ever feeling this low. Why can't I stop crying, it's been 4 and half hours yet I can't seem to stop. I just want to runaway but that is not an option when u have obligations to take care of someone else and to stay? Stay where? My home vanished, what is this place. It's like fossils of something that died. S am I crying for help or just to express pain I don't know. My mind is blown away, my broken and I lost my spirit and my hopes are destroyed.I keep closing eyes and opening them wishing it was just a dream . But sitting in my empty garage for an hour proved that she's really gone. Oh what is the use of this, it doesn't give me my mom or my home back. |
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| "My Secret" |
[May. 5th, 2005|12:59 am] |
I want to walk away from it all
change my name and my idenity
but these memories I still recall
deceived, betrayed, wounded and I fall
You can't see me scream or see me cry
Love, care, affection and loyalty
without them it is better to die
I ask for truth but there's no reply
must not cry, must keep my dignity
can't give myself away must stand tall
Faith gone,broken hearted by a lie
they won't see it just smile pretty
I'm just too fragile for pity
I know I must learn to say goodbye
I must escape and tear down this wall
-Little Orchid |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|11:13 pm] |
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Oh I forgot someone told me to learn to sing "We Belong Together". And yeah... well.... that should be self-explanatory........ |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|10:58 pm] |
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I love You ........I really love.......U .....I really do .......Do u think I'm crazy ??????Well ur right...... Cuz I love u so much...... I can't help it ......I want to say it out loud........and after that say even louder........I love you much...... did ya know that....... I heart you .......mmmmmuuahhh x0x0 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|10:46 pm] |
Hey......It's me I'm still alive, well Someone told me to update.... so yeah here I am.... What have I been up to lately?: well nothing much except lots of hot and crazy sex.... Heeheeheehee.... Just kidding..... I have been shopping and using valuable gasoline by cruising a lot. Well I like boys and they like me problem is I can only be at one place at a time.
Well ................Time to go and figure out what to do with this problem ..... byebye |
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| Here I am again .... |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|10:46 pm] |
Yes it's me, I can't believe it either but yeah i feel like writing. I 'm in a weird place in my life again. I guess once you walk away from something,it's never quite the same. Am I being vague? Well it's hard for a girl who is so guarded to be more open. A few months ago, my goal was to get rid of all the girlie emotions I once had but they're still here. Then again I am indeed a different person.
Am I being analytical because of someone? Possibly.... But maybe it's deeper then that, I try so hard to understand some people and yet all my attempts are futile. Why must I care but be untrusting all at the same time. I wish I could say that I'm in love or that I could fall in love but of course I would never declare such a powerful thing. Sometimes I wish it's all a game for me but it's not and sometimes I wish I could say that I'm ready for stability. I am also not ready for such a thing. Then the question is what am I suppose to do and what am I suppose to feel.
The whole friends thing confuse me, too. How much is giving too much and how much is inadequate defined? What else can I learn or conclude from my past relationsships and the new ones?
Anyways, I want to go away on an adventure I won't tell anyone where so if I disappear and you can't find me at school or the nail shop I'm probably somewhere far and exotic.
Well I'm tired of this so I think I'm gonna go and be a bad girl tonight. I'm gonna get a "Cab Caller" to drink, too. |
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justmyfeelings's journal
